What kind of parent are you?

Wittgenstein once advised us not to look for the meaning of words, but instead take note of their use.

Words, he said, do not label the world around us, they shape it and create meaning out of it.

Nowhere is this more evident than in the modern day parenting manual or glossy magazine, where being a mum or dad has been turned into an art form and designer children have become a must-have accessory.

The language of modern day parenting tells us a lot about how complicated it has all become. Floortime, car-schooling, hurried child syndrome, nanny-cams, strollerobics: there is a whole new world out there, and a great set of words to go with it. We even possess a word now for those who promote the benefits of breast milk over instant formula: lactivists.

We also have found ways to describe emerging phenomena in modern family life. I came across the following examples the other day and can’t wait to slip them proudly into a future conversation:

1. Parallel parenting: A form of parenting in which a divorced couple assume or are assigned specific parental duties while minimizing or eliminating contact with each other. In short, with the support of a contract to guide them, mum and dad can care for their children independently, without ever having to exchange a word.

2. Stealth parenting: Performing childcare duties while pretending to be at a business meeting or other work-related function. A phenomenon unique to men, for whereas companies are now fairly accommodating to women with childcare responsibilities, it still represents the ‘kiss of death’ for a man to say he needed flexibility for this reason.

3. Lifelong parenting: Taking care of one's adult children, especially those who show no desire to live on their own. A number of factors are apparently contributing to this flight back to the family nest by children in their 20s and 30s: soaring property prices, relationship breakdowns, and greater career instability. Added to this, it is no longer cool to regard Mum and Dad as a source of ridicule, so more than half of adult children living with their parents admit that they are perfectly happy to do so.

4. Askable parenting: A parent who is willing to answer their child's questions and who encourages their child to ask questions, particularly about sex. The message out there is simple: start talking to your children about sex, soon and often.

5. Helicopter parenting: A parent who hovers over his or her children. They say that this phenomenon began with the dreaded ‘Baby on Board’ sign in the early 1980s. Suddenly, child safety became everything. We buckled our children into car-safety seats, bought them bike helmets and car-pooled them around in Volvos every night of the week. Sometimes known as Generation Y, these children have grown up, confident in the knowledge that mum or dad is never far away, keeping tabs on their every move.

I have read books, flicked through endless magazines and product catalogues, even gone into cyberspace. I have returned with a whole new set of words and impressive terms. In the end, though, I am left with a strange feeling of dissatisfaction and mental bloatedness after spending an inordinate amount of time performing a task without tangible benefit. To the modern tongue, I am a person suffering an acute form of Dorito Syndrome.

So what kind of parent are you?