One step away from effective parenting

It's taken ten years for me to face up to the fact that I'm a step-dad.

Ever since Cinderella's dysfunctional family shot into the public eye, I'm afraid that step-parents have had a bad press. And unlike the 'real thing', it seems that the story just keeps on repeating itself.  Feelings of jealousy and resentment abound and no one can quite find their place.

Ten years that I've been playing this supporting role to one of our children and, to be honest, I don't think I've done much to alter the reputation of our breed.  Looking back, in fact, I only seem to be able to remember the days when we sat looking at each other from across the dinner table, as if existing in different worlds.

Of course, I never refer to myself as a 'step-dad'.  That feels far too Dickensian and, unlike poor Cinderella, her 'real' dad still lives just around the corner.  At the same time, though, I have begun to think that this whole business of step-parenting is appropriately summed up in the name.

Let me explain with four simple, connected ideas.

1. Step in parenting

It all starts when we step into the gap left by a parent that's no longer around.  Rarely is it our primary motivation for sitting around the family table.  It just comes with the territory of this new relationship. 

And within a matter of days we find ourselves making the packed lunches, doing the school run, and reading bedtime stories in a language that is not our own.  We want to make this work - so for the love of another, we roll up our sleeves and rush right in.

2. Step back parenting

To the outsider - those who naively observe us in the local supermarket - we'll soon resemble any other 'normal' family as we discuss the merits of still and sparkling water in isle 17.  Truthfully, though, if you had interrupted and interrogated me at any time during the past ten years, I'd have probably said that I was nothing more than an 'extra' in this particular episode of family life.  I'd have taken you to one side and told you in no uncertain terms that I was still waiting for the permanent contract.

What I wouldn't have told you was how difficult I was finding being a 'pretend' dad to a young child whose 'real' dad would regularly knock on the door unannounced.  As she ran into his arms, all I could do was  step back into the shadows and reflect on how fake I felt.

3. One step away parenting

Have you ever tried to build a house of cards. Despite what you see on the tv, it's hard to get beyond three cards.  And rather than being an enjoyable pastime, you tend to spend most of your time picking up the pieces and arranging back them in their proper order.

I don't know about you, but I have a growing feeling that the same is true with step-parenting.  No matter how carefully, how sensitively, we build the relationship, we face an almost impossible construction task. We dream that one day we'll build the Eiffel Tower, but in truth we're only ever one tiny step away from collapse and those dreadful, menacing, show-stopping words. 

You're not my real dad, anyway!

Even if I've been a step parent since forever - at least as far as my children are concerned - the absence of those blood ties appears to be a chronic, destabilising factor in the story of our family that constantly leads us straight back to square one. 

4. Step by step parenting

So how does this story end?  It's clear to me now that the odds are stacked against the likes of us; and, equally, that I'm not going to be voted 'Step-Dad of the Year' any time soon.

And yet I haven't given up hope.  I haven't lost sight of the goal that, when we both look back on the family life we had, we'll consider ourselves fortunate to have shared the same table, been part of the same story, and written our futures together.

And for now, I'll simply focus on being a one-step-at-a-time parent, waiting for my big break.

Comments

[Jessica]

It took quite some time for my step-mom to be considered family by me. Then one day, she was there for me, to help me when I needed it and my 'real parents' couldn't - she did it like a pro and without showing superiority nor excitement that I'd 'let her in'. She did it like a natural, like someone who just wanted me to be ok. Later, she did this again with advice and support that was entirely helpful and selfless. And maybe I was finally at the right age to see that she did this only because she genuinely cared about my well-being. Sadly the thing about being a parent is that you usually have to wait a very long time for this. And even when it arrives, you probably won't be notified. Hang in there!